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202598 No.907   [Delete]   [Edit

Download the first draft here:


If you like it, tell me what you liked! If you didn't like it, tell me what I could've done better! Hell, tell me both, it's the only way I'll learn!

It's Creative Commons'd (Attribution, Non-Commercial, Shre Alike), too. When I prep the first draft for a CreateSpace copy, I'll post a proper .pdf version for your reading pleasure. Then after I get feedback, it's revision time and publisher-huntin' time!

Thanks in advance for anyone both curious and wiling to help a novice writer get his story done right!

>> No.908   [Delete]   [Edit]

Well i'm on page 5 and so far its pretty good. I can picture most characters and places in my head. at first i had to mentally adjust myself so i can actually figure out what was going on. But now i can follow the story which has a sort of flow to it. The thing that interrupts that flow would be when the story shifts to another character but all i have to do is just re-read the opening of the character again and re-adjust to another point of view. I'll leave more input as i read more but so far its a good read :)

>> No.948   [Delete]   [Edit]

hello there kriegsy, I've only read the first bit of your story so far, but from what I've read the world has caught my interest. I'll most likely be finished reading it by tomorrow at some point.
I intend to go through it and give my oppinion on anything that catches my attention.
I'm no proffesional writer, and don't claim to be an expert on the subject. but I do have allot of experience reading others work, and some small experience writing myself, I'll try my best to give you what advice I can from the readers point of view. however everything I say is simply my own humble oppinion, so feel free to listen to what you find logical and disregard the rest.

the first thing thing that confused me slightly as a reader was this.

"It was an inevitability. And so it was. A pity that it was premeditated; the moons had their blood, but not the satisfaction of knowing the summer brought it about.
It was merely a police action."`

allthough it does its job in setting the mood to "mysterious, violent, melancholy" some of it doesn't make allot of sense to me. for example.

"the moons had their blood, but not the satisfaction of knowing the summer brought it about. It was merely a police action."

I don't understand why the moons would want the summer to bring about blood, or even how the summer could bring about blood. maybe this is due to something about this world that the story takes place in that I don't know about yet, but if not this seems a bit confusing.

next up is this.

"When the blue moon was near its peak, First of the Forgotten took her place. "

firstly I misread this section twice before figuring out what it actually said. the first time I read through I thought it said

"the first of the the forgotten took her place"

I thought it was refering to someone other than the main character, and was a bit confused throughout the rest of the chapter. since I hadn't registered that first was infact her name, I was quite lost as to what was going on.

I also wasn't sure if "forgotten" was refuring to the character having been literally forgotten by the main character. and it took another read through to register that it is infact some sort of class or organization.

then later on I read another line that said

" In minutes the lock cleared, and the impregnible mass of the Fade became supple and yielding.

"On three, said the First of the Forgotten, and Unbound was through the Fade"

so i'm very confused about whether "the first" is a title, or if its the characters name. this needs some clarification.

I also had trouble visualizing the main character and the other main characters, with no description to go off of. making it hard to draw a mental picture of what was happening and making this chapter a bit confusing as to who did what.

I think all of these problems stem from the same source. a lack of impact in the initial introduction of key characters and story components. the initial character introduction had been written without much emphasis and without any details of what the main character looks like, or who they are. or what they are feeling through all of this. making it hard to make any connection with her.

the same goes for the other characters, I got some of the personality on winter but no physical image, and the dragon is the opposite,I know what he looks like but I didn't know he was actually capable of speach until much later. "He rumbled a greeting" could easilly mean just a rumbling sound and I wasn't sure if he was actually capable of speach or sentient thought, until near the end.

"the forgotten" also needs more emphasis to let the charcter get atleast a vague idea of what it is, I get that its supposed to be left to the reader to guess at what it is until its purpose is revealed later on, but they can't start guessing until you give them enough of a hint to point them in a general direction. atleast give them something to go off of to make it stand out a bit more.
better to lose mysteriousness points than to risk the reader being confused and possibly giving up the story before it starts.

well it seems like I'm practically writing my own novel now, so I'll leave it at that for the time being, and get back to reading a bit more of the story.

Last edited 11/06/19(Sun)03:44.

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